Is marriage on the decline in Western culture? It would seem so given the number of books on singleness that have appeared on bookstore shelves in recent years. Could we be harkening back to Jeremiah's day when the absence of marriage was a sign of the times, more specifically, the decline of the times? "For thus says the Lord God of Israel: 'Behold, I will silence in this place, before your eyes and in your days … the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride'" (Jer. 16:9). It could be.
In any case, every Christian publisher has jumped on the singles bandwagon. The offerings range from upbeat to bitter, and with so many choices now available, some prescreening may help the reader with his or her selection. Connally Gilliam has written a humorous and very honest (sometimes uncomfortably so) look at what it feels like to be single in a couples world. As someone who shares her marital status, I can say she has captured it perfectly. She puts into words what the rest of us feel, at least some of the time. Contrary to so much of what's out there, Gilliam doesn't write from the posture of having all the answers. In fact, part of why we are encouraged by the book is her frank honesty about her weaknesses. She is apparently well aware that while experience brings insight and wisdom, it does not magically confer exhaustive knowledge on a particular topic. Gilliam candidly admits her disappointment about remaining unmarried, but she knows this is the very thing that makes her more useful in God's service. Such wisdom can only come from a heart of humility and is contrary to so much of what we read along these lines, which often reveals either a bitterness born of pride or a faulty belief that unmarried misery is biblically acceptable.
Gilliam has a strong grasp of postmodern thought and culture, perhaps because she works with a younger generation. As a result, she captures how postmodernism is shaping life and how we think about living. One of the most profound portions of the book is Gilliam's explanation of the source of pain for single people in a postmodern society: fragmentation. She articulates what so many of us feel and fear but have not been able to identify. Singles attempting to make their way in the world today are not defined by what has traditionally defined adults in our culture-a family structure, a group of settled friends, a straight career track, and a lifetime home town. This loss leaves us feeling undefined. Perhaps because many of us have never shed the mantle of such tradition, we are kept from defining the problem for ourselves; whatever the case may be, the contrast is clear to Gilliam and she opens it to the rest of us. Single people in our choice-laden society do not have the anchor of permanence or routine, and it does leave us wondering where and to whom we belong. Gilliam expresses the positive, however, reminding us that what we may really be missing is the sense of safety such routine provides, which is where the opportunity to trust God comes in to guide and lead us. From Gilliam we are enabled to see that postmodern fragmentation is merely an instrument in God's hands to teach us greater reliance on him.
On an earthier note, Gilliam poses the question, "Who needs men?" in order to rip down the self-erected pain barriers of many single women. All too often, we single women are tempted to find relief from our husbandless state by structuring our lives and hearts so as to obliterate any desire for relational intimacy. The age in which we live has made this possible from a practical standpoint, and the ubiquitous feminist culture is all too ready to aid in this self-protective endeavor. The result of these influences is that single women are made to feel shame for their relational longings. Yet, there is a world of difference, or rather, as Gilliam sees it, "an almost invisible line," between needing and being needy. After candidly sharing her own feelings of neediness, she concludes that women do indeed need men, if for no other reason than that male and female best reflect God's image when reflecting off one another.
With humor and insight, fueled in no small part by her stated yearnings for physical intimacy, Gilliam describes the angst of celibacy in a sexually saturated society. She epitomizes the culture-torn believer; committed to Christ, Gilliam struggles to free the foot still caught in the culture trap, although she is clearly aware of the snare. When friends who hold to a secular worldview express shock upon learning of Gilliam's celibacy, her initial default response is to question her normalcy. Over time, however, her wrestlings have led her to understand that the sexually celibate can avoid feeling a culturally imposed sense of deprivation by viewing sex ultimately as an act of giving, not getting.
So, why aren't you married? Every single person over the age of thirty is asked this question or a variant of it with irritating regularity, and the askers are, almost without exception, well-intended married people. Although natural and easily justifiable, sarcasm is not the right response. Instead, Gilliam says, single people can use such confrontations to come up with an answer, not for those who ask us, but for ourselves. The truth of the matter is that single people are single because, for today at least, God has ordained it. Perhaps, as we noted earlier and as Gilliam's wise old friend said to her, "Your relational sufferings and disappointments are, sadly, emblematic of the age." We are quick to seek reasons for our single status so that we can manufacture a cure, but that is to buy into the succinctly American illusion that we are masters of our happiness. Gilliam has learned, as will all single Christians who learn to worship God over marriage, that happiness and singleness are not mutually exclusive.
In sum, every unmarried Christian woman attempting to make sense of life in a tumultuous age will find something of themselves in this book. After reading its diverse chapters with many a chuckle and nod of agreement, you will feel much less alone than you might have felt before.
